Alice
by fluppy
Summary: Snippets of Alices life from before the Asylum onwards.


Closing my eyes against the blackness, I sort through the myriad of colors. A shining gold beckons in the future, a deeper shade of black hovers around the edge. A pale blue covers the remaining space. A soft color, calming and soothing. I sigh; lose myself in the peace of the color. Until the blackness tears through, leaving ragged red edges.

I wake screaming.

"Mary! Mary Alice! What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's there again!" I squeal as brightness floods my small room. "The black! It's there! Someone's going to be hurt!"

"Mary Alice Brandon!" I can hear that tone in my mother's voice again. Disbelief, and disapproval. "Stop these games! I have had enough!"

"I saw..."

"You saw nothing young lady. Go back to sleep."

My mother leaves the room, shaking her head. She stopped tucking me in a long time ago.

* * * * *

"Don't you look lovely in that dress Mary, dear."

I smile, thank mother's friend politely. I am determined mother will find no fault in my behavior at today's luncheon.

I stand quietly, eat with the right utensils, and allow not even one speck of dust to mar my Sunday clothes; my favorite white dress and shoes. My curls sit exactly where they are supposed to, as do I.

As the day progresses, my mother favors me with a smile. I fairly burst with the joy of it; she rarely smiles at me.

A fair man interrupts the ladies, smiling at one in particular. The blackness returns, blinds me to the beauty of the gardens.

"No! No, don't!"

I'm still begging the lady not to leave as my mother pulls me away from the party, apologizing profusely.

* * * * *

I awaken in silence this time, the voice of the woman from the party echoing in my head, pleading. I stuff my fist into my mouth, covering my scream; try to sort through the new voices. They are coming from downstairs.

I hold the hem of my nightgown, creep silently out to kneel at the edge of the landing.

"I don't know what to do anymore Charles. She won't stop! It's not cute anymore."

"She's just a child Alice."

"She's 10 Charles! She'll be a woman soon! It has to stop!"

My father heaves a sigh.

"What would you like to do, Alice?"

"I hear the institutions are very good these days."

"No. That is my final word on that Alice."

I shuffle quietly back to my bedroom, wiping at the dampness on my cheeks.

* * * * *

Again, my mother and father are arguing. They've done a lot of it lately.

"You'll be killed, Charles! What would the girls and I do?"

"I'll be fine, Alice. The war is almost over."

My mind exploded; a shower of red and black.

"Father, you can't leave! Please!" I knew it was rude of me to interrupt, however I _had_ to stop him.

"Please. Don't go."

My father curls my hand through his arm, leads me through our parlor doors, to the back garden.

"I must, Mary dear. It is my duty."

"But father..."

He tilted his face to the sun, glistening black hair so like my own.

"I am assuming I am not destined to return."

I shake my head, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Then that is how it should be, Mary. Do not worry. I shall be happy to die in service of my country."

"Father..."

"Please don't argue, Mary. It will make my parting with you so much harder."

"Yes father."

He presses his lips to my forehead. "I love you little Mary. Never change."

And with that, he is gone, in his army uniform, striding proudly away.

* * * * *

I sit on the sofa, attempting to focus on my sewing; a new dress for Cynthia. My thoughts are in a place faraway, somewhere I have never seen, clearer than they have ever been. I can taste the metallic tang of the blood soaking into the ground; hear the screams of men dying. And my father's final thoughts.

"I know you can hear me, Mary. It's my fault you are the way you are. I'm sorry I never told you. I love you."

A tear slips silently down my cheek. I know it's not yet, but soon. And then the telegram.

* * * * *

"Mary, this is Doctor Hughes. He's going to help with your..." my mother stumbles over her words, trying for an appropriate name "..._problem_."

"Hello, Mary Alice. Please, call me Marlow."

He takes me hand, kisses my fingers. His lips feel like ice. Cool and pale blue. Soothing.

"Goodbye Mary. I'll visit soon." I can hear the lie in my mother's voice, contradicting her words.

"Goodbye Mother."

* * * * *

Blackness. Always with the blackness. Except for the cool blue against my forehead. Like my fathers final goodbye; safe, sad.

"Mary Alice?" A whisper in the dark. "Mary Alice, it's Marlow."

I know. There is blue behind my eyelids.

"Easy, Mary Alice. You'll feel better soon. Did you have another vision?"

Yes, more black, always the black, closing in.

"Does it still hurt, Mary Alice?"

"Yes." Though not as much as the first time.

"I'm sorry."

I know.

"Sleep, Mary Alice. I'll be here."

"Just call me Alice."

It seems so familiar.

"Good night Alice."

Is that why it is so dark?

* * * * *

More pain. Pain and blackness. And cool blue. Gold hovers faintly around the edges.

* * * * *

"Alice? Alice, love. Quick wake up."

My eyes open from black to black. But the cool blue is speaking. I like the cool blue.

"Alice, love, we have to go somewhere else."

"Yes. The black is so close now."

"Yes, love, the black is very close now."

Blue grips my arms, lifts me easily from my cot.

Then wind. And light. I'd forgotten about light. My eyes hurt. The black and red move through my vision and the light is gone again.

* * * * *

"I'm so sorry Alice love. I know this will hurt. I have no other choice."

A touch of blue on my cheek.

"I love you Alice."

"Love you Blue."

"Blue?"

"My cool, calming blue."

A small chuckle. "Blue. I'll carry that in my heart love."

Red engulfs my body.

* * * * *

I _smell_. I _hear_. I open my eyes and _see_. So green the grass. So brown the dirt, every speck. And the sky. Blue, so blue. It feels right, good, I wish I knew why. I can run, oh how I can run. And I can jump, so high I'm almost flying. My only loss...I feel so _alone_. Empty, hollow. Lacking. Like some part of me is missing.

Gold covers my vision, forms itself into something tangible. Gold hair. Gold eyes. My destination.

* * * * *

The moment, finally. The rain outside has tempted him, I know, he'll be out in the daylight, for the first time. He'll come. I've been waiting here so long.

The bell dings and he enters. Blond hair, eyes a brilliant red. They'll be amber when we find the others. My heart sails, he has arrived.

"I've been waiting a long time for you." I rise to greet him.

"I'm sorry, ma'am." He ducks his head as he answers, clouding my vision with gold, pulling at a lost memory.

I hold out my hand, no fear that he will refuse.

His hand is warm and safe. Happy.

* * * * *

I see them, closing in. Five of them. Secure, sure. Our new father and mother, brothers and sister. I feel certain of our place in this family. Jaspers hand remains warm and comforting around my own. I wish I knew if I'd ever had a family before.

* * * * *

"I see a beautiful room, with a stunning view."

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do Alice?" Every time I hear my name a strange sort of shimmer happens in my head. It's the only thing I remembered when I woke up.

"Yes, Jasper, I'm sure. We need them, and they need us."

As ever, he nods. He never argues, believes in me fully, lets me lead the way. Onwards with our journey home.

* * * * *

The pale blue of the fathers shirt stirs in my thoughts again; happy, comfort. These urges are fading, but sometimes...

* * * * *

We marry, Jasper and I, our new family our only guest and witnesses. We are meant to be, so we are. Forever. Jaspers eyes have finally lightened to a golden color.


End file.
